


this is why we cant have nice things

by necroesthe



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Crack, Mild Gore, Multi, Time Travel, costco, not every chapter will be related
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-13
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-04 03:56:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4124782
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necroesthe/pseuds/necroesthe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>sometimes when you get stuck, you need to move on temporarily<br/>this is one of those things<br/>a.k.a<br/>a series of ideas that may or not be turned into an actual fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got stuck on KINAC

Hide’s fingers were trembling as he pressed the ‘call’ button on his phone. He couldn’t believe it. After months of investigation, he finally found out that Kaneki got another phone. After some more investigation, he found out the phone’s number.

So here he was- his heart about to leap out of his chest and his hand sweating like mad, waiting for the phone number’s owner to answer.

After a moment, they picked up. “Hello?”

Hide nearly screamed. It was Kaneki.

Words came pouring out of his mouth almost unintelligibly and Hide was pretty damn sure he was crying. He wasn’t even sure what he was saying anymore. Hide was just glad to be back in contact with his dear friend.

He ended his tirade with ‘iloveyoumanpleasetellmewhereyouare’.

After a moment’s silence, Kaneki responded.

“New phone who dis.” 

Hide screamed.


	2. to hell and back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki Ken somehow goes back in time, changes his name to Sasaki Haise, integrates himself into his old family, and essentially ends up raising himself.  
> Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah  
> new thing that is completely unrelated to previous writing

Kaneki Ken doesn’t know what to think of his new housemate.

He appeared out of the blue, knocking on the door and pulling his mom outside to talk. And then they come back inside, their faces grim.

The next thing Kaneki knows is that the man is at the table, drinking coffee while they eat dinner.

His mother gave him a strained smile and says that the man, Sasaki Haise, will be living with them from now on.

Kaneki examined the man, noting that his hair was white, he wore an eye patch, and that the one visible eye was grey.

He can’t help but feel there’s something odd about the man. 

Sasaki catches him staring and gives him a small smile.

Kanek quickly looks back down at his meal and continues eating.

There is simply something different about Sasaki Haise. Something not right.

The belief that Sasaki Haise is weird only gets stronger the more time he spends in the Kaneki household.

He only drinks coffee with brown sugar cubes and drifts about, generally stays in the living room, gets a job at some place called ‘Antieku’, and sometimes disappears in the middle of the night and comes back with ripped clothes.

Kaneki avoids him, staying in his room when Sasaki Haise is in the living room and basically gluing himself to his mom when they have to be in the same room.

But then gradually, his mom began to leave them in the house together, placing some trust in Sasaki Haise.

Kaneki figures it’s because they’re distant relatives or something. Sasaki Haise  does share some traits with his mother and him.

His mother placing some trust in the man prompts Kaneki to find out more about him. Because a guy with an eye patch and white hair is definitely someone to learn more about.

And the best way to learn about someone is through actual conversation.

So Kaneki gets his scrawny ass and shitty backpack to the living room. He has a mission and he is going to complete it, dammit.

“Um. Sasaki-san?”

The older male looks up from his book and stares at the boy. “Hm?”

“Can you. Um.” Kaneki forgets what he was going to ask and desperately tries to remember. Sasaki Haise’s eyebrows rise higher up his forehead with each passing moment.

The boy fiddles with the latch in his backpack and is about to retreat back to his room, when the man speaks.

“Do you need help on your homework, Kaneki-san?” Sasaki Haise dog ears the page he was on in the book and puts it down, all of his attention focused on the boy. “In math, perhaps?”

Kaneki wonders how he knows. ‘Yeah.”

The man scoots over and pats the cushion. “Well then come over so I can help you.”

Sasaki Haise is a nice person, Kaneki decides after he finishes up his math homework. A nice and gentle person.

That, however, does not change the fact that there is something odd about him.

And 7 year old Kaneki Ken is going to find out exactly  why there is something odd about him.

****  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooo  
> so time travel is pretty cool  
> Thank you for reading!


	3. costco

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> based off Dirk Parable's prompt:  
> What if your otp just hoard free samples at Costco instead of a date date.
> 
> Like, eat some free beans in a cup. Boom, romantic dinner. Need candles?
> 
> Take these candles with Jesus prints on them.
> 
> Can you feel the love

Kaneki loved his boyfriend. He really did. But there were times he wondered why the fuck they were dating.

This was one of those times.

 “Hide…” Kaneki looked at the cup in his hands, which was filled with beans. “Why are we in Costco?”

 

****

 

He watched the blonde before him down the beans as if it was a shot of tequila, not even bothering to chew.

Hide wiped his mouth and shot him a grin. “For our date, of course.”

He grabbed Kaneki’s hand and led him down the aisle. “So, what should we eat next. The ravioli stuff or popcorn?”

“Um. Ravioli.” Kaneki followed Hide’s earlier actions and downed the beans. He tossed the cup away.

Unfortunately, he missed and pelted a kid with juice smeared all over his face, making him cry.

“Actually, maybe we should get some juices.” Kaneki squeezed Hide’s hand as he watched a crowd form around the kid. “Like now." 

“Feeling a little thirsty, eh?” The blonde waggled his eyebrows.

Kaneki blushed. “Shut up.”

 

 With the crisis successfully averted, Kaneki and Hide continued what they were previously doing. Wandering around Costco hand in hand and eating the samples.

Then Hide had an idea.

“Kaneki…” His voice was quiet. “Do you think if we swap jackets, we’ll be able to get seconds?”

Kaneki shook his head. “Hide, that’s not going to work.”

“You don’t know unless we try.”

Kaneki sighed.

  
 

Hide’s plan worked.

Kaneki wondered what the Costco workers had experienced in order to simply not give a fuck anymore.

  


“Why do you have candles in your pocket?” Kaneki looked closer at it. “And is this Jesus?”

“Oh shit. Thanks for reminding me.” Hide stuck his hand and Kaneki’s pocket and pulled out some matches. “Hand me the candle.”

The black haired male passed it to him, his eyebrows raised. “So why do you have candles in your pocket?”

“To make our dinner romantic, of course!” Hide struck the match and lit the the candles.

He handed one to Kaneki, a smile on his face. “Where to now?”

Kaneki blinked. “I-”

He wasn’t able to finish the sentence.

The kid he had pelted with a paper cup came around the corner and saw the black haired male. So naturally, he tackled Kaneki.

The candle flew out of Kaneki’s hands and fell in the ugly shirt pile, setting it on fire. The fire then spread to the other ugly clothes pile and so forth.

Hide threw his own candle and yanked the kid off Kaneki. He grabbed Kaneki’s hand and ran out Costco before the fire alarm could go off.

 

Hide scratched the back of his head and chuckled weakly. “So I guess that means no more Costco?”

Kaneki gave him a look.

He wondered why the fuck he was dating Hide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should be working on KINAC


	4. fight me m8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Before Kaneki's mom died, she taught him the fine art of kicking ass. It somewhat helps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got hatoful boyfriend and love live  
> then I binge watched the devil is a part timer  
> CHIHO

Kaneki used to think that his mother was a sweet gentle woman who would never cause any harm.

Of course, that was before they got mugged while walking home from the grocery store.

 

The man was a scraggly thing- with a cheap stubble and yellowed teeth and nails from the continuous use of cigarettes.

His eyes were wide and his hands, which gripped a knife, shook.

He didn’t speak any words, but the intent was clear enough.

Kaneki had hid behind his mother’s legs and looked up at her, his eyes wide and shaking like a leaf.

His mom had only smiled at him and gently pry his hand off her.

"Don't worry Ken." She said. "It'll be alright."

Then she turned to the man and slammed her fist into his face.

He fell down flat on his ass, dropping his knife to cradle his now broken nose.

Kaneki's mom then grabbed the man's hair and bashed his face on her knee.

After doing that 3 times, she released him. She couched down to pick up the discarded knife, then hurled it onto the roof.

The gentle smile on her face never left. She turned back to Kaneki. "Ken, get the eggs. We're going home."

Kaneki grabbed the carton of eggs and opened it, checking if any were broken. Much to his relief, none were.

His mother picked up the remaining two bags.

The walk home was filled with silence, both parties occupied with their thoughts.

 

After they washed up and packed everything in the fridge, Kaneki spoke.

"Mom, if it's better to be hurt than to hurt others, then why did you beat him up?" He looked up at her. "Why didn't you give him the money instead?"

"Well, Ken. To protect those you love, sometimes you need to hurt others."

Kaneki nodded. "But why didn't you just give him the money instead?"

"I guess I was more focused on making sure he wouldn't hurt us." She rubbed her chin. "Money wasn’t the priority.

"Then can you teach me? So I can protect Hide and you?”

Kaneki’s mom let out a small chuckle. “Of course Ken. We’ll start tomorrow.”

The 8 year old nodded.

 

On their first lesson, Kaneki’s mom said. “Ken, do not tell anyone that you know self defence. And only use it for emergencies. Promise me.”

Kaneki rubbed his chin. “I promise.”

 

Hide didn’t really believe it when Kaneki told him that he was learning self defence until he explained how they were mugged while going home.

“My mom told me not to tell anyone.” Kaneki whispered. “But I can trust you, right?”

Hide grinned. “Heck yeah, you can!”

 

Of course Kaneki’s mom died 2 years later.

 

Her death became common knowledge and he was quickly relocated to his aunt’s house, where he shared a room with his cousin, Yuuichi Asaoka, in order to save some space.

“Your mom picked trash, right?” Yuuichi asked while laying on the floor, playing his gameboy.

“Yeah.”

“Then like,” He put down his game console to look up at Kaneki. “Was she a hobo or something?”

Kaneki grit his teeth and said nothing.

Yuuichi narrowed his eyes. “Are you a hobo?”

Kaneki reared his fist back and slammed it into his face, the things his mother had told him during his first lesson completely disregarded

There was a scream and Kaneki’s aunt slammed the door open. “What is going on he-”

Yuuichi is was the ground, cradling his bloody nose, and crying. Kaneki calmly stood above him, his fists clenched.

Kaneki’s aunt quickly moved him to the spare room.

 

“Did you really hit him?” Hide asked the next day.

Kaneki nodded.

“Wow.” The blond tilted his head and leaned forward, looking at Kaneki with a speculative look in his eyes. "Wow."

Kaneki squirmed.

  
  


Kaneki kept up his training for the next couple years, reading a martial arts book occasionally, hoping to make his mother proud wherever she was up in the afterlife.

The next incident when he had to use self defense (albeit crappy self defense) was 8 years later, when he was walking his date home one night.

 

Rize had bitten him, Kaneki could tell that much despite his mind being nearly over run with fear, and Rize was a ghoul.

Rize had also stabbed him with her ukaku.

Kaneki knew he was going to die. That he was going to be eaten. But he wouldn’t go down without a fight.

He jabbed his finger in her eye, grimacing at how easy his fingers penetrated her cornea. It was much more gooey and slimy than he thought it would be. Kaneki felt bile rise up his throat. He swallowed it back down.

He curled finger and moved it to the center of her face, hooking it to the upper part of her nasal bone.

“Tch.” Rize grabbed his wrist and yanked out his hand regardless, breaking part of her skull. She flung him to a wall. “That wasn’t very ni-”

A steam bean fell on her.

  
  


Kaneki laid down in his bed, his face buried into his pillow, and was trying to process what had happened.

He nearly got killed by a ghoul. He went to the hospital. He just got discharged from the hospital. He is unable to eat food. He is now a ghoul.

Kaneki thought about his mother and wondered how he would be able to protect Hide- protect anyone-  if he was a ghoul.

He screamed into the pillow.

 

Kaneki received his answer during his fight with Nishio.

Of course he would be able to protect Hide if he was a ghoul. He had a kagune after all.

Kaneki grinned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i accidentally deleted my tumblr account, but i got my url back  
> back to no followers OTL  
> oh and btw, would anyone be interested in a fic where Hide is the antichrist?


	5. tsukiyama x kaneki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> kaneki asks tsukiyama to speak english to him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im not dead.  
> cracky crack crack

“Oh, Tsukiyama.” Kaneki whispered into the man’s ear. ”Speak English to me.”

Tsukiyama, who learned most of his English through google translate, blurted out the first thing he thought of:

_“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.”_

Kaneki swooned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of updates in fics!  
> I've started going to camp this week and it lasts over 12 hours, so I go home like at 9:30. But I sleep as soon as I get home. Also, its currently 7:15. I can only get maybe an hour or 2 of the computer unless I wake up super early  
> Not much can be said about (without) the glimmer of stars, sadly.
> 
> please leave a comment telling what you think.


End file.
